20s

“Your 20’s are your ‘selfish’ years. It’s a decade to immerse yourself in every single thing possible. Be selfish with your time, and all the aspects of you. Tinker with shit, travel, explore, love a lot, love a little, and never touch the ground." 

—	Kyoko Escamilla

(on my 20th birthday)

If you know me fairly well, it's no secret how worrisome and paranoid I am. Everything is a what if. It's terrible. This time last year, I thought about what if my 20s went to waste because even though I was just about to turn 20, all I could think about was how I was only ten years away from turning 30. I'm a year in, only days away from 21 and every day makes me more scared. What have I accomplished in 21 years alive? I feel like nothing.

I can't help, but compare myself to my friends from high school graduating a year early from Pepperdine, friends going to teach in Africa, or others having jobs with actual salaries. I'm not in school, working as a hostess at an Asian restaurant, and with absolutely no idea what I want to do. It gives me serious anxiety. When I turned 20, I never saw myself in this place only a year later. It doesn't help that I not only put pressure on myself, but so do my parents. I feel like every conversation where I'm asking for $10 for gas in my car turns into, "well what are you doing with your life? do you plan on hosting forever? what if you had bills to pay? you dropped out of school, you know?" All questions I seriously say to myself on a daily basis without their input. 

It's so scary. I'm turning 21, now 9 years away from 30 and I feel like my life is nowhere even close to being together. I'm laying in bed at 3 am, just worrying about what's going to happen. Aren't your 20s supposed to be the best years of your life? I'm spending mine worried about the next ten years that follow instead of living in the present. When did everything get so hard? I graduated from high school three years ago and I can't remember feeling the weight of the world bearing down on me. When did all of that pressure and anxiety start to get to me and how can I get rid of it? While I may never know when reality set in, I need to at least make it subside some. I should be enjoying my life. 

I wish I could say where I see myself in ten years, but I really can't even tell you where I see myself in one. Fortunately for me, God does. At church this past Sunday,  I got my reality check. God is faithful and I know that while I sit here worrying about what will happen, I know I can trust that He is working everything out for my best interest. 

Everything will be okay. I will be successful in time and I need to not worry so much. I'm 20, not 30 and I have plenty of time to be in my 20s. 

xx  - Dan